as love crowns you so shall he crucify you

"I do not aim with my hand; he who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.

I do not shoot with my hand; he who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.

I do not kill with my gun; he who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
I kill with my heart."

, I came here by day,
but I left here in darkness
and found you, found you on the way.

Now, it is silver and silent.
It is silver and cold.
You in somber resplendence,
I hold...

Your sins into me,
oh, my beautiful one.
Your sins into me.
As a rapturous voice escapes
I will tremble a prayer
and I'll beg for forgiveness.
Your sins into me,
Your sins into me
oh, my beautiful one.

Light, like the flutter of wings,
feel your hollow voice rushing
into me as you're longing to sing.
So I,I will paint you in silver.
I will wrap you in cold.
I will lift up your voice as I sink.

Your sins into me,
oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me.
As a rapturous voice escapes
I will tremble a prayer
and I'll beg for forgiveness.
Your sins into me,
Your sins into me

Cold in life's throes.
I'll fall asleep for you.
Cold in life's throes.
I only ask you turn away.
Cold in life's throes.
I'll fall asleep for you.
Cold in life's throes
I only ask you turn
as they seep into me,
oh, my beautiful one, now...

Your sins into me,
oh, my beautiful one.
Your sins into me.
As a rapturous voice escapes
I will tremble a prayer
and I'll beg for forgiveness.
Your sins into me,
Your sins into me

Your sins into me,
oh, my beautiful one, now
Your sins into me.
As a rapturous voice escapes
I will tremble a prayer
and I'll beg for forgiveness.
Your sins into me,
Your sins into...
Your sins into me
Oh my beautiful one!

"there are two wolves in the heart of every man. one of love, and one of hate. which one wins? the one that is fed the most."

So many things going on, and while I should be documenting them for my sake, I can't seem to find the time or inclination to do so.

i'm still slowly climbing out of my hole. i'm doing far far better than i was a few months ago, even a month ago, but i've still got a ways to go before i'm back to the top of my game.

finally, i'm eating again, even if sporadically, and for the first time in months i've actually sat down and done some artwork. the occasional prose and poetry, and random acts of photography.

i've still got a lot of nastiness rattling around in my head, but at least the roaring has dulled down enough i can focus on what's important, which is repairing what was once ruined inside of me.

lots of work ahead of me, but still, got a ways to go.

there's lights on the horizon though, and i think i'll be okay.

still dealing with my new status in life as a reformed lush, and i feel my heart being pulled in too many different directions right now, but the damage has ended, and the healing has started.

focus on stability is the next step. then once i'm of a correct footing, i can start back on the road i've set myself to.

soon... soon.

I'm sitting in my seat, and I'm feeling the train throb underneath me.

I've come to realize...

I'm looking out the window, and I'm seeing the lights of the city as they peel away from me.

I've come to realize...

I'm diving deep into the forest, and I'm screaming along the tracks.

I've come to realize...

Away from the city, and I'm coming back home.

I've come to realize...

I've come to realize...

I'm looking out the window, and I see my reflection faint against the glass.

I see the world outside, and I see the look on my face, and I've come to realize...

I can't keep every promise.

Sorry kid, I can't keep every promise.

And one day I'm gonna be okay with that.

"One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them."

Never assume that you are always the top of the fucking food chain.

Another trip around the sun.

More proof that I'm well loved, wonderful and beautiful person, as I've spent the day constantly getting messages and missives from great and amazing people that care about me.

Thank you all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep
Cuz they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You think me rude, but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cuz everything is never as it seems

Cuz I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head
A sockhop beneath my bed
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
Cuz I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep?
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far to tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cuz I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)
But I know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
Cuz I saved a few and I keep 'em in a jar

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cuz everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
Cause my dreams are bursting at the seams

foolish me.

laying on this carpet.

feeling the nap against my neck.

i'm watching this ceiling fan spin.

and i'm thinking to myself... is this how it has to be?

am i not worth your time? am i not worth your space?

goddamnit i'm spilling my soul against your pages.

you're going to write a wonderful book about how i touched you.

and in this next chapter i'm going to fall apart.

and in the end i'm going to be a stupid appendix.

i'm a footnote in the pages of your life.

and one day i'm going to apologize.

and one day i'm going to be a chapter.

a broken spine. this book will be ruined, and my name will be on the cover.

"and one day i'll be a library" you scream.

a hundred books you will never want to read.

it's time, my love, let's burn some books.

it's time to destroy the past we have.

it's time to spill our blood against these pages.

let my heart bleed on these chapters. and let my life die against this saga.

i'm creased. i'm stained. i'm dog-eared.

is it the story, the theme, or the author?

judge a book by it's cover, i fucking dare you.

it's an early morning. and i'm woken up with a phone call. this morning i had to hear she is dead.

i'm frozen in time, static fills my veins. i'm suddenly dead. and so fucking alive.

her death is ruining me. her life is killing me.

i'm going to spend the rest of my life living in her death's shadow, and i'm going to spend the rest of my life chasing her down.

i'm consumed by this memory. you're going to kill me mom. you're going to destroy me.

i don't know where else to go, but i think i need to touch you one last time.

i'm never going to have that final last moment with you. i'm never going to see you smile ever again.

i'm going to have to live a life where you are a fragile memory. and it's going to kill me. and it's going to destroy me.

i wish i could find a way to forgive you, but i never can and i never will. you're never going to have the answers i need.

you're never going to tell me how love works. you're never going to tell me how life is. and i need to learn how to accept this.

and i need to learn how to forgive you. i'm never going to learn how to forgive your death.

please mother, please forgive me. teach me what is good and what is right.

because your shadow is always going to fall across my face. because your shadow is always going to crawl against my skin.

your death is always going to ruin my life. and i need to learn how to forgive you.

but i can't, and i won't. because i'm always going to be lost in your wake. and i'm never going to hear the words god is trying to whisper to me.

you're nothing more to me than a cold body locked in this ground. and your face is always going to burn me alive in the memory of you.

are you alive, are you dead? are you next to me?

promise me one day you'll find a way to teach me how to live, and one day i'll promise how to let you go.

mother, please let me go.

nothing will ever change as long as your ghost haunts me. your shadow consumes me.

you're going to be the death of me. and i'm going to die a thousand times, until i'm ready to let go.

mother. i love you. let me go.

this morning i set the table for the two of us. breakfast is waiting for us.

The criminal is still free. The monster has still gone unpunished.

Then again, it's come to light that the monster never really existed in the first place, and no crimes were actually committed.

Anyways, I've got a whole lot I could say, but I won't.

However, I will state one thing here I think the only thing worse than a villian, is someone who pretends to be one.

That also goes for people who pretend to be heroes.

"...something something... sound and fury... all talk, no pants."

1. You will fall in love only once. Obstacles will prevail. The rest of your life is spent recovering.
2. Anything that distracts you from the pain of your loss is good. Some people are more successful in this regard than others.
3. Eroticising their objects will be the pinnacle of your sexual fulfillment.
4. Desire is kept eternally alive by the impossibility of contact.
5. The most potent way to exist is to occupy someone else’s imagination.
6. Technology will only heighten your sense of desolation making you more keenly aware that no one is trying to call.
7. Hook up with someone. Live with them. Sleep with them. Tag along. Don’t be fooled. You are only a transitory distraction. Ask for commitment. Declare your love. Watch the set up evaporate.
8. Some coincidences are deliberate.

Which do I go see?

Skinny Puppy at the Nokia Theatre
Genitorturers at the Gramercy Theatre

Both are on the 17th!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

i'm an origami swan you unfold with a breath, and i'm not supposed to be so easy to straighten out.

..and with it comes a new life.

And the opportunity to watch my favourite movies on a 12 foot fucking screen.

XD

"On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."